“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join in the dance” -Alan W. Watts
One thing I love about where I live is that I get to experience all four seasons. As one season begins to end, I gear up to embrace the new one to come. Much like the changing seasons, I am about to enter a season of change of my own. I am getting ready to transition from a family of three, to a family of four. To be honest, I haven’t quite embraced it like I do the changing weather. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon excited to meet my little man. However, I am more terrified than anything.
I always knew, even before having Jackson, that I wanted to have my kids close in age. I think there is something so special about growing up closely to your siblings. My sister and I are two years apart and best friends. After having my first child, I suffered with horrible postpartum anxiety. For a little while I was convinced that my son would be an only child. About five months had passed and my anxiety began to calm down and the whole mom thing got a little easier. And by easier, I mean I began to find my “mom-groove”. It wasn’t long after that I was already thinking about baby number two. My family thought, still thinks actually (lol), that I was nuts. My husband and I talked it over and we decided that we would try for number two when Jackson was a year old. Well, I got the itch even sooner and was pregnant by the time my son was ten months old. I was so excited at the thought of giving Jackson a little sibling and felt so happy that God had blessed us with the timing we had in mind.
However, it didn’t take long for that excitement to transition into fear and worry. My morning sickness–actually, can we talk about that phrase for a second? I was sick all day long! So, I’m not sure where “morning” came from. Anyway, my pregnancy sickness kicked in, and it was hard. There were so many days that I just cried on the couch because I was so nauseous that I couldn’t move, yet still had a baby to take care of. There were mornings where I would run to the bathroom in-between feeding my son. Those first few months were tough…really tough. Eventually the sickness passed and things went somewhat back to normal. I started to get my energy back and my excitement for this new chapter was starting to build up again.
But yet again, my excitement began to turn into something different. This time, it was sadness. I want to be as transparent here as I possibly can be. One day I just looked at Jackson and, you guessed it… started to cry. I suddenly came to the realization that in a short few months it would no longer be just the two of us. I am so used to giving Jackson all of my attention and getting that same attention back from him. That is all about to change though. When Beckett arrives, the majority of my attention will be focused on him, naturally. How will Jackson handle that? How will I handle that? Will Jackson resent me? Will he feel less loved? It chokes me up now just thinking about it. On the flip side of all of that though, I think about my relationship with Beckett. Jackson is my first born and we have such a special bond. Will I have the same bond with Beckett? Will it be different but not different at the same time? So many questions and worries that flood my mind daily.
Lastly, I think about my own time and my own sanity. Right now, taking care of a toddler is hard work. I have many days where I want to rip out my hair…which isn’t good because, “Hi! Still dealing with postpartum hair loss over here!” The only time I get to myself is when Jackson is napping and then later in the night when he goes to bed. If I didn’t have those little moments to myself, I think I would lose my mind. But, with another baby coming, that little bit of “me time” is about to vanish. If Beckett is anything like his big brother, then I will never get any sleep or any spare time to myself. How am I going to take care of a toddler and a newborn on top of taking care of the house and doing my best to be a good wife and serve my husband? Will I ever find the right balance? Will everything just fall into place like everybody says? I guess I won’t really know until that day comes.
This season of change is a hard one for me. It’s terrifying. There are so many unknowns and so many unanswered questions. But I will tell you what I do know. One, the love that I have for this little boy is already so strong and I haven’t even met him yet. Two, I get a smile on my face when I think about all the fun and craziness that is about to ensue raising two wild boys. Plus, I look forward to the bond that my boys will share. Three, I have the most amazing and supportive family. I am not in this alone. And fourth, God has His hand on this whole situation. He will never leave me and He will never forsake me. There will be tough days and long days that probably feel like they will never end, but there will never be impossible days. A season of change is coming, and I am going to plunge into it, move with it, and dance with it.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you: He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6