“I didn’t give you the gift of life, life gave me the gift of you”
The day that I found out I was pregnant with Jackson is one that I will never forget. It was unexpected and filled with emotions I didn’t know I would feel.
My husband and I got married at the end of August, and shortly after getting back from our honeymoon, I began to feel sick. I was nauseous and had to pee all the time. I went to the doctors because I wanted to figure out what was wrong. I took a urine test to determine if the cause was one of two things: 1.) A urinary tract infection, 2.) pregnancy. My results came back negative for both. A few days later, I got a call from them telling me, “Oops, turns out you do have a UTI”. *All the eye rolls* So they gave me a script for medication and it cleared up quickly.
Fast forward to the beginning of October 2014–I started to have those same sick feelings and the symptoms lasted for a few days. I remember one Friday night when my husband and I went to the movies and I had to run to the bathroom twice because I was so nauseous. After I came back, I whispered to Mike that we would have to go to Urgent Care tomorrow because I was convinced that I had a another UTI that had gone untreated and turned into a kidney infection (thank you, Dr. Google).
Saturday morning came and we headed to Urgent Care. I told the doctor my entire situation and that I had a feeling I had a kidney infection. She tested me first for a UTI, but came back five minutes later and told me it was negative. I explained to her how this same exact thing happened last month. She then asked me if it was possible I was pregnant. I told her it wasn’t impossible, but that I would be shocked if I was. She said she still had my urine sample out there and would just test it anyway and that she would be back in about three minutes. Well, three minutes turned into five, and then five turned into ten. I began sweating and the nausea I was feeling only elevated. I had so many thoughts racing in my mind, but I was still convinced that there was no way I was actually pregnant. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the doctor returned. She looked at me and said, “Well, you are definitely pregnant.” I sat there completely speechless for a second and then awkwardly thanked her. As I made my way back to the waiting room, I feared telling my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I have always wanted to be a mother and my husband has always wanted a family. It was a strong desire on my heart that I prayed would one day happen. However, we had always talked about waiting at least a year before having a family, and here we were just one month into marriage. I got to the waiting room and ran right past him out the doors and into the parking lot. He chased after me and asked if everything was okay. I looked at him and said, “I’m pregnant.”, and then instantly began bawling. This was my in-the-moment reaction. I had always imagined I’d be crying happy tears when I found out I was pregnant…not sad tears.
My husband met me in the car and just took my hand and told me everything would be okay. We began to drive back home, but first made a special trip to pick up a gallon of chocolate mint ice cream (per my request, of course). Once I came down from the initial shock of the news, I felt so much love and excitement for this little babe inside of me! My husband and I also decided that we would take a pregnancy test of our own just to double check. The test immediately showed two solid pink lines. Indeed, I was definitely pregnant. Seeing those two lines with my own eyes made it all so real and I was overwhelmed with joy. I held my belly, and no lie, knew it was a boy.
The next day, joy turned into fear again. Was I really ready to be a mother? How will we make it work financially? When my husband and I first got married, we basically had nothing to our name. I was working at the time, but we had always had it on our hearts for me to stay at home with our kids–now I wondered if that would even be possible. We also lived an hour and a half away from family, and the thought of being a first time mom without having them close by terrified me. I began to just pray. I knew in my heart that God had blessed us with this child for a reason. I knew that if we trusted God and His plan, that everything would work out.
The moment Jackson was placed in my arms, I realized why he came to us when he did. Moving away from my family was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. We moved to an area where I didn’t know anyone. My husband worked 12+ hour days, and they were mostly night shifts. That meant life became pretty lonely sometimes. As soon as Jackson was born, my life was filled with so much joy and purpose. I had my own little buddy who was with me all the time. He made me so incredibly happy and helped ease the pain of being away from everyone. Holding him and seeing his smile got me through some of the darkest days. This little boy gave me purpose. He made me want to be a better person, because he deserved nothing but the best. God knew exactly what He was doing. I am still in complete awe and shock that He hand-picked me to be Jackson’s mother. It has been my greatest honor, and my prayer is that every day he knows just how much I love him, but most importantly, how much his God loves him.
Finding out I was pregnant was crazy. God’s timing is not always in sync with our timing, but I was once again reminded that His timing is perfect. I am forever grateful that God made me a mother, but even more grateful that He made me Jackson’s mother. Thank you, Lord, for the gift I never knew just how much I needed.